We’ve had quite a week with a powerful Full Moon Lunar Eclipse and the 11:11 gateway which has brought a tremendous amount of inner shifting, awakening and healing.  It’s been a heavy time with the energies pushing us into the depths of what we need to see about ourselves and our lives.  Thankfully the heaviness is lifting, and I am once again feeling the excitement that lies beneath all the healing, processing and releasing.

Over the last week I’ve woken up a few times with a heart stopping panic about all the choices and changes I have recently made.  My old life is well and truly gone.  I have no home and very few possessions.  I have found myself in a panic questioning whether the choices and changes I have made are the right thing.  What if I made the wrong choice to give up my life in South Africa?  What was I thinking letting go of everything I had worked so hard to have?  There’s no going back, there’s nothing to go back to, and what if this was supposed to be a holiday not a life change?  What if I got it all wrong and my intuition failed me?

I’ve always spoken to God, to my guides and to the universe as a whole.  The inner dialogue is constant which I am sure is not always welcome as I have bitched and moaned, cried, and screamed and then in the good times sung in gratitude.  I am also consistently making deals with God.  ‘Ok God, you need me to do this thing?  Then I need You to do this?’ And of course, you know the saying ‘If you want to make God, laugh, make plans?’  A regular occurrence for me….I can literally hear the laughter reverberating across the universe.  

For me to remain sane while navigating all the changes, I had some pretty firm requirements from God.  The most important of which was being able to see my children regularly.  Leaving them in South Africa has been one of the most difficult things I have ever done.  To alleviate the anxiety and fear of never seeing them again (yes, I know ridiculous) I told God very firmly that He/She had to make it a priority that I see them every three to four months.   

My move to Canada has been driven by both a soul and an ancestral calling which just got too loud for me to ignore. I didn’t leave South Africa because I didn’t love my home, the county, or because of the crime, or the lack of electricity. I didn’t leave in reaction to some traumatic event.  I left because it was what my heart, my soul, my ancestors, and God were calling me to do.  It was a big ask for my ego and one that despite the pain of leaving I have fully embraced…. right up until those early morning panics.  

Most, if not all, the choices and decisions I have made as an adult have been intuitively guided.  I’ve felt the calling and gotten on with it.  It hasn’t been easy when generally it has required going against the norm, against convention, society, my culture, my family and whatever is determined as the ‘right thing’.  Choosing to follow a path and a way of life outside of what others around me are doing and thought was best has been challenging.  All of which I faced while gritting my teeth and doing what needed to be done.  But leaving my children was both gut wrenching and heartbreaking.  

So, I made a few deals, a few conditions, while letting go of everything I owned and everything I knew.  I packed what I needed in a few suitcases and clutching my very beautiful lamp base (yes, lamp base) I set off on this journey muttering to God the whole way that it all better be worth it.

My children and I agreed that they would come for a visit in their long holiday which happens to be over December and January.  Summer in South Africa but darkest winter here in Canada.  While making these plans, I did worry a little bit about how they would cope coming in the middle of winter and what I would do with them as I am still pretty much a nomad with no home or place to live yet.  All the while ignoring the laughter ringing through the universe.  God, we had a deal.

Being born and brought up in South Africa my children have a South African passport which means they need visas for everywhere.  And of course, being 20 something year old’s they know best and don’t listen to their mother who has been banging on about visas since she left in September.  By the time they finally got round to speaking to the travel agent about booking their tickets they realized there was no way they were going to get their visas in time to be here in December and January.  Well that plunged me into a deep, dark and depressing hole where I pondered whether the universe was out to get me.  

I hung about in the hole for a bit bemoaning my fate and cursing governments and bureaucracy while feeling like a victim.  In the hole I can’t see.  There’s no insight, there’s no inspiration and there is no clarity.  It’s just dark and depressing, and also boring.  Thankfully a dear friend brought my attention back to the very reason I am doing what I am doing…to have the freedom to travel, to move about and to fly home if and when I need to.  She reminded me that there is always a thread of light in the dark and when I grab that thread and pull, the darkness falls away and I can once again see the wood from the trees.  With relief I clutched at the thread of light I could now see and as the light returned, I was able to remember that my journey is divinely guided.  That I am divinely guided.  I remembered that this is a calling and as such won’t make logical sense.  Its ok to follow my heart and to trust my soul, and I don’t need to know where it will take me or how it will look.

I pondered and contemplated while trying to find a way around the bureaucracy that was keeping me from seeing my children.  In South Africa the rules and laws are generally optional and mostly ignored.  So of course, I used my South African thinking to find a way around the barriers I was facing. But I am not in South Africa anymore and so that thinking isn’t going to help me here.  Finally, I just gave up thinking and got on with the day knowing that at some point a solution would drop.  And it did.  Of course! I could hop on a plane and go back to South Africa and see my girls for the December holidays….there are times I amaze myself with my lack of vision.    

As my Rocky Mountain adventure comes to an end, I am a little sad to be leaving this beautiful haven of tranquility and peace.  However, I am excited to get back into the world and to be going home for the holidays to see my children.  While being held by the power of nature and these incredible mountains I have found healing, clarity and a better understanding of myself.  I have gained a deeper appreciation of the divine working in my life and am learning that life always works in my favour even when I can’t see it.  

I’ll still probably try making deals with God though 😉